I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.