You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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