look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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