i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
