Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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