you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
