Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
