Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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