i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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