dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
