i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
