woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
