so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
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She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.