I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
they're like a gay fantastic four
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?