Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
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Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
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Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
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