I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
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