someone get that fucking seahorse.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
