hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
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im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
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I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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