I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
