I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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