I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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