Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
