No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
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Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
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