My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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