I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
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I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
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Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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