Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
