I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
