Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Randomize
