if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
