First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
