I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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