I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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