i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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