I think im going to throw up on grandma
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
