the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
