Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
