I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
organizing the empties. That sober.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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