Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
