My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
