I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
