I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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