Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
smell my finger.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
