the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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