Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
