she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
we made out on top of his cat.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
