Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
