I hate your face
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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