Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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