I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
