I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
