I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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