You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
