remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
