I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
