i think i have two assholes
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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