I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
