are you still at the devil's house?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
