Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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