i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
