I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
