I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
