She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
