The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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