just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
home. puking in laundry basket.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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